Under the News

Ron has moved ... temporarily

2007-12-10T20:32:00.000-06:00

Miss your daily dose? For a while, Ron is blogging daily at The Bayou, a new news/culture blog for Southeast Texas.

C'mon over and join the fun!

Gipper's Zipper: DNA proves George Gipp didn't father illegitimate child

2007-11-11T01:41:00.000-06:00

DNA tests on the moldering corpse of Notre Dame football legend George Gipp have proven that the old fella didn't father a baby that his former girlfriend gave birth to months after he died of pneumonia and strep during his senior year in 1920. Another 87-year-old rumor bites the dust.

The Gipper -- made famous by coach Knute Rockne in a half-time pep talk and played in the movies by a nearly unknown actor named Ronald Reagan -- was dug up last month amid great secrecy. Why?

Years ago, a Gipp biographer stumbled on an Internet posting by a woman who claimed to be a descendant of the football great. Her grandmother was Eva Bright, whom Gipp had dated for about a year before he died. Her claims caused a Gipp grand-nephew to exhume the body for a DNA test.

So last month, Gipp's right femur was snatched and his other legless remains were reburied. A Dallas testing lab this week confirmed no link between Gipp and the Bright granddaughter.

In other news, 1-9 Notre Dame's backfield still sucks. Perhaps they can put the Gipper's spare leg to good use.

Cow Poop: More than a redneck lawn ornament

2007-11-07T10:46:00.001-06:00

Folks up North say we Texans have more money than brains, more oil than money and more bulls*** than oil. Well, now we also have the world's largest manure-to-gas plant and they're dang jealous.

Every day, Microgy Inc.'s new Huckabay Ridge plant mixes 10 dump-trucks full of cow poop with grease and other restaurant waste, purifies it and turns it into methane gas ... which will power 11,000 Central Texas homes a year. That's the equivalent of 4.6 million gallons of oil a year.

One company official referred to Texas dairy cattle as "non-depleting gas wells," and for good reason: Each cow produces about 15 gallons of poop every day, and there are hundreds of thousands of them in Texas alone.

Can't do that in Manhattan! Thank God and Goodnight for Texas BS!

Baby Grace: A dead girl, score of tips, no answers

2007-11-06T10:23:00.000-06:00

It's a sad statistic: At least two dozen little girls match the description of Baby Grace, the unidentified toddler found in a plastic box on an island in Galveston Bay last week. They come from homes all over America and one of them might be her.

Even sadder, none of them might be her. She might be a child whose absence was never noticed by family and friends. Her disappearance might have fallen through bureaucratic cracks at some cop shop. Or her disappearance might be a monstrous parent's handiwork. Might she be from Southeast Texas? We are surrounded by wicked possibilities.

It's been suggested that she might be little Madeline McCann, the 4-year-old British girl who disappeared from her parents' hotel in Portugal last May. Galveston investigators are fairly certain it isn't her ... but they have so few clues so far that they won't rule it out either. That's not a sign of incompetence, but a reflection of the fog that surrounds such a grotesque and inhumane act.

Without a big break, it will be a slow, frustrating, arduous process. For now, we can only hope that whoever set this little dead girl adrift on a sea in a plastic storage bin will be found and removed from civil society.

Anyone with information is asked to call the Galveston County Sheriff’s Office at 409-766-2222, the agency’s tip line at 866-248-8477 or any Crime Stoppers organization.

Shocking video! Did TV crew capture whorehouse ghost on film by accident?

2007-10-31T09:55:00.000-05:00

The murder of Alice Benoit in 1957 remains one of the most monstrous crimes in Beaumont, Texas. The young prostitute was a favorite among the sailors, dock workers and wildcatters who visited the Hotel Rouler, the city's most colorful bordello. But one night in 1957, Alice Benoit (at left in only known photo) was literally slaughtered by a jealous sailor when she spurned his marriage proposal. Her macabre slaying ignited a firestorm of public intolerance for Beaumont's famed red light district, which was soon shut down by police.

Last summer, a local TV crew (the station manager asked that it not be identified) embarked on a story about the 50th anniversary of the murder that changed the face of Beaumont forever. As the crew prepared to videotape a reporter at the long-abandoned hulk of the Hotel Rouler, the videographer was startled to see a misty figure in an empty window. Later, he noticed that an open mike also picked up an eerie sound: A disembodied human voice whispering what sounds like a name.

If you want a real-life scare for Halloween, take a look at the video and judge for yourself if this ghost really exists.

Quote of the Day: Freak dancing in Argyle

2007-10-29T09:37:00.000-05:00

The Quote of the Day comes out of Argyle, Texas, where the school superintendent has outlawed freak dancing and strapless dresses at school dances, causing the predictable collision of generations. Supt. Jason Ceyanes, 34, the first-year superintendent in Argyle ISD,says he's only trying to maintain an environment that's "conducive to learning" and reflects the standards of the community:

"If we're at a point in American society where kids are going to dry hump, then it's time for school districts to get out of the business of having dances."

Every generation reaches an eventual point in its wisdom when it must step forward onto an elevated stage and ... aw, to hell with it. Wouldn't it be fun to dance as if nobody was watching?

Meet the Press ... Not: FEMA plants fake reporters

2007-10-26T10:21:00.000-05:00

On Tuesday, FEMA gave an impromptu press conference in Washington D.C. about the California wildfires. Reporters were given only 15 minutes notice and an 800-number where they could listen in. Fox and MSNBC aired parts of the briefing.

Vice Adm. Harvey E. Johnson, FEMA's deputy administrator, appeared on-camera with opening remarks, then took questions from reporters, who lobbed softball questions that elicited lengthy, smooth responses -- without all the yammering follow-ups. When's the last time you saw a high-level press briefing like that?

Well, it turns out that the "reporters" weren't reporters at all, but FEMA employees playing reporters.

Of all the sneaky, scheming, dishonest ... and FEMA-like ... tomfoolery! It seems like all they learned in Hurricane Katrina was to keep the media from reporting the facts! They've avoided the stumbles of Katrina and Rita, but they've also had two quiet hurricane seasons to prepare.

And one of FEMA's preparations was to form its own press corps. All the good things they've learned to do go out the window when they prove to be deceivers.

Out of the Box: Bopper's casket hits the road

2007-10-25T09:18:00.001-05:00

The Bopper's son, Jay Richardson (left) and forensic anthropologist Dr. Bill Bass
exhumed J.P. Richardson's casket last March in Beaumont

In what will certainly be one of the most macabre musical mementoes in Texas history, the new Texas Musicians Museum will display the "used" casket of J.P. "The Big Bopper" Richardson, the Beaumont pop star killed in the same 1959 plane crash that killed Buddy Holly and Ritchie Valens. Take the kids!

The Bopper was exhumed from his next-to-final resting place in Beaumont's Forest Lawn Cemetery last March and moved to a new grave in a brand-spankin'-new casket. The old one was stored secretly by his son, Jay Richardson of Katy, while he considered donating it to an appropriate museum, such as the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

On Saturday, Nov. 10, a vintage 1949 hearse will deliver the Bopper's original box to the Hillsboro, Texas, museum. Rock 'n' roll authority Bill Griggs of Lubbock -- who observed the Bopper's exhumation and autopsy in March -- will talk about the famous 1959 plane crash, what the autopsy revealed, and the Bopper’s musical legacy.

The casket will be displayed through November in Hillsboro, about 60 miles south of Dallas/Fort Worth.

Coming in December 2007: Willie Nelson's booger collection.

Geography of Men and Women

2007-10-24T03:01:00.000-05:00

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France, gently aging; but still warm and a desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia, lost some wars, won some great battles but haunted by past mistakes, still very strong and proud.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia, very wide and borders are now largely un-patrolled.

After 70, she becomes Tibet. Off the beaten path , with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...still desirable but only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge and true love dare visit there.

GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 78, a man is like Iran, ruled by a dick.

Thanks to my loving daughter for this expert bit of romantic anthropology ...

Take a Bite Out of the News...

2007-10-23T14:24:00.001-05:00

Southeast Texas' newest ... and toothiest ... blog

THE BAYOU

You never know what you'll find in The Bayou, where some of the tastiest local and national news gets digested in rather entertaining ways ....

Link to it ... if you've got the guts.

Have they found 'D.B. Cooper'?

2007-10-23T10:47:00.000-05:00

FBI sketch of DB Cooper and Kenneth Christiansen photo

Have private investigators cracked the case of the world's only unsolved skyjacking? Has the most infamous missing man since Judge Crater finally been unmasked? Was he a mild-mannered airline employee ... and former paratrooper?

According to a marvelously written article in the new New York Magazine, a strong new suspect has surfaced ... well, not "surfaced" exactly, since he's dead, but you get my drift.

Check it out.

Toddler Rape Tape: Chester's depressed

2007-10-23T09:39:00.000-05:00

Chester Arthur Stiles' court-appointed lawyer told reporters a couple days ago that Chet is "a little down in the mouth." Luckily, he's also a little down in solitary confinement for his own safety.

You might recall that Chester the Accused Molester was the prey in a nationwide manhunt after Nevada deputies showed images from a videotape allegedly showing a man -- identified as Stiles -- raping a 2-year-old girl named Madison. (Early on, Madison was believed to be 3 years old in the tape, but it's since been determined she was even younger.)

"He's caught a lot of heat in the media, and guys in the jail watch television just like a lot of folks," public defender Jeff Banks said. "It's a very prejudicial charge, so of course I'm concerned about his safety."

Duh. Maybe our hope that convicts take perverse liberties with baby-rapers is a little overblown, but it's a comforting thought, isn't it?

Graf of the Week: Oh man, Omani

2007-10-22T08:10:00.000-05:00

It's only Monday, but I think I've found the paragraph that will beat all comers in the next six days. It comes from the obituary of a famed British "escapologist" in today's London Telegraph:

"The Great Omani could not hold a glass because he was flat on his back with his hnds set in concrete, so the barmaid poured neat rum down his throat. He nearly choked."

Ever wonder what an escape artist's epitaph might say? The Great Omani wrote his own:

They have put the Great Omani in a box

They're using nails instead of locks

But at the funeral, do not despair

There's still a chance Omani won't be there.

Always showing off. R.I.P., Great Omani. R.I.P.

A Video Conversation With ...The director of upcoming Bopper biopic

2007-10-21T10:55:00.000-05:00

Sorhab Mirmontazeri

Director of

'The Day The Music Died'

Spot the Molester: A Halloween Game

2007-10-18T08:01:00.000-05:00

Can you spot the child molester among these four people?

Admit it, no matter which one you choose, you'll be guessing. You can't tell a pedophile just by looking. We all carry certain wayward beliefs about what a molester should look like. And wouldn't it be comforting to be able to spot a molester ... or rapist, murderer, con-man, burglar or armed robber ... at a glance? We can't. The next person to walk past you might be a molester.

And here comes Halloween, when children knock on strangers' doors and accept candy, or maybe some playful conversation. Luckily, we can prepare children to be safer as they trick-or-treat, but we can never be sure that we aren't sending them onto the radar of people who would sexually exploit them on any other day of the year.

On top of all the personal safety measures you can teach your kids this Halloween, check to see where registered sex offenders live in your neighborhood. One good site is Family Watchdog's National Sex Offender Registry, where you can enter your address and get an updated map of offenders in your neighborhood. Many of them will be under orders to keep their porchlights off on Halloween; some must put out signs declaring a sex offender lives there. And gently guide your children away from those homes. Better safe than sorry?

So did you figure out who was the sex offender among the four folks pictures above? Click on "Read More" to get the answer....

All of them

Bomber's Paradise: LAX preferred by 3 of 4 terrorists

2007-10-18T07:21:00.000-05:00

Screeners at Los Angeles International Airport (left) missed 75% of the fake bombs and bomb parts sent through security in a recent test by the Transportation Security Administration. In other words, if 10 terrorists showed up with 10 bombs, 7 planes are going down.

But, hey, Chicago's O'Hare International didn't do much better, missing 60%. Look on the bright side: Only 6 planes would be blown to smithereens.

San Francisco International was the champion of the three-airport study. Screeners there missed only 20% of the bombs. Only 2 planes would blow up! Happy day!

Gee, I feel real safe. We're spending a lot of money for this allegedly "increased" security. I can't imagine we can render our airport security failsafe, but I sure as hell would expect us to get better grades than F-minus.

QUOTE OF THE DAY
A reader comment at AOL: "I think it's obvious that the security personnel at most airports are not qualified to pour pee out of a boot if the instructions were written on the bottom."

Toddler Rape Tape: One mom hoped Chester's life would end in a hail of bullets

2007-10-17T08:59:00.000-05:00

The mother of one of Chester Arthur Stiles' alleged molestation/rape victims was disappointed that the accused pedophile was arrested peacefully Monday night, the Las Vegas Review Journal reports this morning. Instead, ex-girlfriend Tina Allen was hoping for a much more painful police shootout.

Allen also told the R-J that police should get a restraining order against her because she desperately wants to hurt Stiles. Asked what she might say to Stiles if she had a chance, she simply said, "I'd scratch his eyes out."

Police also report that shortly after the alleged survivalist Stiles -- whom they feared would never be taken alive -- surrendered during a routine traffic stop, he barfed in the parking lot where he was stopped.

Stiles was jailed and the car he was driving was left overnight in the parking lot of a Subway restaurant. Looky-loos peeked into the vehicle and wondered aloud about the cardboard box in the front seat and trash strewn on the floor. The word "sorry" was smeared on the dusty driver-side window.

They figure Stiles wrote it.

Word of the Day: Suckatorium

2007-10-17T08:57:00.000-05:00

I have a pretty large vocabulary, but it's not size that matters. It's how you use it. Yet some days -- like today -- I realize my shortcomings.

Today, I learned how I could have a larger vocabulary. No, it wasn't a spam message, it was an article in the Sydney (Australia) Morning Herald and the word was:

Suckatorium

Now that's a word you don't see every day. I won't be so bold as to define a word I just learned. Rather, here's how Elizabeth Farrelly defined it in her article:

"A suckatorium is ... the (usually gay) equivalent of that unforgettable scene in the film Kandahar, where the doctor must examine his female patients through an eye-sized hole-in-the-wall. In suckatoria the hole is usually larger, sometimes described as 'fist-sized,' but in both cases its purpose is to afford physical knowledge without personal intimacy."

That's right, a suckatorium is a place filled with "glory holes" (my pitiful common language) where a special kind of, um, sexual gratification is dispensed. What kind? Sound it out. I shall use the word today to make it mine ... but God knows how I'll work it into conversation.

Toddler Rape Tape: Chester sees judge Friday

2007-10-16T23:17:00.000-05:00

Accused child-rapist Chester Arthur Stiles will stand before a Las Vegas judge on Friday. It won't be a momentous legal occasion -- the judge will merely set his arraignment date -- but it will be the first time the general public will lay eyes on a man accused of videotaping his rape of a little girl named Madison. Do you think cameras will be there?

Almost since Madison was first identified from the video, she was said to be 3 years old at the time of the rape. Sadly, her mom's attorney now says Madison was even younger at the time.

Can't you just hear the mothers of America sharpening their blades?

Toddler Rape Tape: Chester is busted!

2007-10-16T06:55:00.000-05:00

STUPID: A child rapist videotapes his crime against a 3-year-old girl. STUPIDER: "Losing" that tape.

STUPIDEST: Prime suspect in child rape driving a car without license plates, carrying somebody else's driver's license, in the same town where his crime was committed ... and not shaving his trademark Thin-Man mustache.

Yep, Chester Arthur Stiles, accused in the videotaped rape of a 3-year-old named Madison, was busted during a routine traffic stop in Las Vegas last night. When the cop noticed that he bore no resemblance to the person on the driver's license, he 'fessed up. "Hey, I'm Chester Stiles," he said. "I'm the guy you're looking for. I'm sick of running."

Stiles now faces 21 possible felony charges and a wrathful community. In Vegas, you can bet they're taking odds on the outcome.

In the end, though, it turns out that Chet wasn't the knife-wielding survivalist he painted himself to be. Instead, he was a victim of his own stupidity -- again. Never take him alive? Ha.

If he proves to be Madison's rapist -- and his homemade videotape will be his most damning witness -- may prison life prove to be a life lesson for Chet about what it feels like to be powerless and exploited.

Have You Decorated Your Pumpkin Yet?

2007-10-15T07:52:00.000-05:00

Don't fall behind! Only two weeks 'til Halloween!

Inconvenient Untruth: Does Al Gore deserve the Nobel Peace Prize?

2007-10-12T08:04:00.000-05:00

I give Al Gore credit for bringing a looming environmental catastrophe to the public's attention. For a nation populated by lazy, fat, celebrity-obsessed wasters of time, energy and air, it took a familiar face to raise the issue to cocktail conversation. Despite his political petulance and past imprecisions (~~"I invented the Internet"~~ CORRECTION: "During my service in the United States Congress, I took the initiative in creating the Internet"), I applaud Gore's leadership on this globally crucial issue.

But the Nobel Peace Prize? Pffft.

While he deserves applause for bringing global warming somewhere nearer the forefront of our American conversation (global warming still doesn't get as much discussion as Britney Spears), Gore's a documented hypocrite. He talks the talk, but doesn't quite walk the walk. A carnivorous, global-jetting, mansion-heating guy isn't exactly practicing what he preaches.

And now his documentary film, "An Inconvenient Truth" is officially flawed. A British judge has said that while the film is generally true, it contains 9 significant "untruths" that make it unsuitable for showing to schoolchildren unless "balancing" information is also taught.

Gore's Tennessee mansion consumes more than 20 times more natural gas and electricity than an average home, according to recent analyses. And while he globe-trots in a private jet to promote himself, he is one of America's leading consumers of greenhouse-gas-producing jet fuel. And the chubby ex-VP obviously keeps meat close by, even though the U.N. Food and Agriculture Organization reported in 2006 that the livestock industry emits more greenhouse gases than all forms of transportation combined.

I have believed Gore's form of environmentalism served mainly to keep him in the public eye while he plotted a new political future. When he was in the White House, he had plenty of time and opportunity to accomplish his stated goals, so why didn't he? One might recall that he had billions of gallons of water released from a dam so he could have a canoeing photo op ... but what significant impact did he have on the American or world environment when he was a heartbeat away from the presidency?

Is this really the kind of leadership we call "great" today? Say it, but don't do it?

But the bigger question is: What the hell does all this have to do with world peace? Is it possible that the Nobel Committee has caved in to America's celebrity obsession?

UPDATE @ 4:35 p.m.: Several international sources are now answering my question about what Gore's activities have to do with world peace (because a lot of people are apparently asking), and they actually connect the dots nicely. To summarize, if we cannot curb greenhouse gases, the global climate shifts will cause some areas to dry up, coastal areas to be flooded and agricultural lands to change. If/when that happens, people will begin to fight over the areas that are most productive for whatever future needs we have, including food. Thus, to avert the worst effects of global warming is to ultimately avert wars.

That's an awfully simplistic rendering of some heavier thinking, but it makes the point: An environmental crusade can have peace implications.

But I still wonder of Al Gore was the right choice ... or merely the most Hollywood of choices.

Dig One for The Gipper: George Gipp exhumed

2007-10-11T09:21:00.000-05:00

They've gone and dug up the Gipper.

The family of George Gipp (left), the Notre Dame football player who died from pneumonia and a strep infection during his senior year in 1920 and inspired Knute Rockne's locker room exhortation to "win one for the Gipper," sought a DNA sample from from the 87-year-dead corpse.

Why? Was George adopted? Is someone claiming to be his love child? Did the fantastically popular Gipper pull an Elvis and fake his own death to escape the limelight? Or is Notre Dame hoping to clone the Gipper to bolster its awful backfield this season? Nobody's telling. But ESPN filmed the exhumation in Laurium, Mich., and a noted sports author was on hand. So we're likely to find out in the good old-fashioned American way: Marketing!

Some cousins believed the exhumation desecrated Gipp's grave and memory, but Gipp was dug up because at least one family member -- reportedly his sister's granddaughter -- asked for it.

I love a mystery, even a fabricated one. After attending the exhumation and autopsy of J.P. "The Big Bopper" Richardson last March, I'm even more fascinated by what modern forensics can tell us about long-ago deaths of famous people. But I'm not sure we should go digging them up willy-nilly merely to satisfy idle -- and ultimately unimportant -- curiosities.

Perhaps the exhumed Gipper will answer some important questions. I desperately hope he wasn't disturbed just to sell some books.

The Darkest Night: Coming in paperback

2007-10-11T00:51:00.000-05:00

One of the unique thrills of being an author is seeing the cover of your next book for the first time. I got that thrill this weekend. "The Darkest Night" is the St. Martin's paperback version of "FALL: The Rape and Murder of Innocence in a Small Town," my true-crime/memoir published earlier this year.

It will be released in March 2008, although pre-orders are being taken now at all online booksellers (hint, hint.)

Gay Superheroes: This will end badly

2007-10-10T09:33:00.000-05:00

Ever wonder what happened to the gay superheroes of our youth? Well, OK, there weren't any out of the closet until recently, but pretty much, they all suffered desperately gruesome, un-superheroic fates. Pretty much, it doesn't pay to be a gay superhero.

Here's a list from a Harper's list of homosexual comic-book characters and what happened to them. It was compiled by Perry Moore, the author of Hero, a young-adult novel about a gay teenage superhero, published by Hyperion.

AMAZON: crippled, made a supervillain terrorist, electrocuted
APOLLO: gang-raped
BATWOMAN: revealed as a closeted lesbian, kidnapped, tortured; stabbed herself through the stomach with a sword
BLARNEY COCK: disemboweled, whereupon a gerbil crawled out of his anus

BLOKE: killed on first mission
NED CAMPBELL: slashed into bits after his wife finds him having sex with a male lover
CAPTAIN METROPOLIS: decapitated
CAPTAIN POWER: disfigured by an explosion, driven to insanity, murder
CHAIN: dead
KAROLINA DEAN, HULKING, & WICCAN: tortured while straight teammates were not
DESTINY: dead
DESTROYER: in the closet
FRENCHIE DUCHAMP: alcoholic, double-amputee; beaten nearly to death with his prosthetic leg
ELECTRO: realized he was a homosexual after a lengthy stint in prison
EL EXTRANO, “THE STRANGE ONE”: attacked by an AIDS vampire
FAUNA: dead
FREEDOM RING: finger sliced off; impaled on twenty-eight spikes, including one through the groin and anus
GREEN ARROW II/CONNOR HAWKE: made retroactively heterosexual
HOODED JUSTICE: murdered by teammate
ICE: murdered, last seen in hell
JARVIS: shot through the head, dead
JERICHO: impaled on his father’s sword
JETMAN: blackmailed by a villain who threatens to out him
KARMA: raped as a child, kidnapped, disfigured; later reappears but is too fat to move on her own
WALTER KASKO: killed in a botched gang-slaying
MADAME FATAL: dead; his funeral, attended by drag queens, is mocked
MIDNIGHTER: heart ripped out
MONSIEUR MALLAH & THE BRAIN: sadistic gorilla and disembodied brain in a jar; searching for a body for the Brain so they can consummate their love
MOONDRAGON: kidnapped, ear ripped off by a villain who makes her girlfriend deliver it to Moondragon’s father as a ransom note
NORTHSTAR: killed in three different realities, resurrected as a zombie assassin
OBSIDIAN: depowered, corrupted by his sexual strife, manipulated by dark forces, thwarted in an attempt to destroy the world, made a security guard for a team of heterosexual superheroes but not allowed to sit with them at the table
PHAT: dead
PIED PIPER: parents murdered by teammate
RAWHIDE KID: revealed he was only pretending to be gay
ROBIN: exposed as a villain; explained that his turn to the dark side was due to his unrequited love for Batman
SHATTERSTAR: rewritten as a heterosexual
SHOUT OUT: thumbs ripped off
SILHOUETTE: murdered, along with her lover, after being outed
SUNFIRE II: dead
ULTIMATE NORTHSTAR: shot at point-blank range, left to die
UNION JACK II: dead
WING: admitted crush to his mentor, who broke his arm and beat him; given a check for $750,000 and forced to leave his superhero group in dishonor