Thursday, October 09, 2008

A New Money Glossary: Definitions for the modern stock market

If you're keeping up with all this fuzzy-but-expensive language being tossed around about "bailouts," frozen credit and damaged assets, you're smarter than I am. But for those of us who need a little help understanding the current crisis in America's financial markets, here's a little glossary that will help:


CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6- to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my financial advisor has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @$240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Former investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.


Jill said...

Guess this glossary is not on the best seller list for Washington or Wall Street.

Love, Rita said...

Funny! This was quite apropos for this moment in time.

Now forgive me for shamelessly borrowing your comment section to promote a cause about which I care deeply.

The Electoral College must change. This body is no longer needed, as we now have near-instantaneous worldwide information exchange. The President of the United States should be selected purely on the basis of the popular vote. The EC served a purpose when our popular vote had to be hand-carried across the country for inclusion in a national consensus. We should not continue to bind ourselves to this antiquated method of selecting our national leaders! In addition, it is designed to give more weight to votes cast in population dense areas--very unfair! There should be NO "battleground" states.

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Thank you.