NEW STOCK MARKET TERMINOLOGY
CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET -- A 6- to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my financial advisor has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @$240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Former investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.
Thursday, October 09, 2008
A New Money Glossary: Definitions for the modern stock market
If you're keeping up with all this fuzzy-but-expensive language being tossed around about "bailouts," frozen credit and damaged assets, you're smarter than I am. But for those of us who need a little help understanding the current crisis in America's financial markets, here's a little glossary that will help: