Jerry Seinfeld once wondered how it happens that the day's news always fits exactly into the space a newspaper has available. I know the answer, but I'm not telling.
OK, I'll tell. We simply decide that some news isn't news.
You didn't see these stories in my newspaper today, therefore they didn't officially happen:
DON'T EAT ORANGE SNOW: A smelly orange snow has fallen in several Siberian villages, according to the ITAR-TASS news agency, and Russian scientists have been dispatched to find out what it is. Gosh, just when people were starting to get the message about yellow snow ...
STONED THIEF: After a Nebraska fellow died, his family found a storage locker full of stolen headstones, some dating back to the 1800s. The Lincoln Police Department has posted photos of the stones in hopes somebody will recognize them and they can be returned to their rightful owners ... who probably haven't missed them.
PENNY FOR YOUR ... : A 66-year-old Nevada man popped a penny in a slot machine and won $18,799,414, the largest penny slot jackpot in history. He still has no plans for the bulk of the money, he told me when I called him this morning to offer my heartfelt congratulations and explain my mother's dying wish.
TAMPON TAMPERING: The citizens of Sheboygan can rest easy ... the person breaking into tampon machines at the courthouse has been caught.
NO TOUCHING: Apparently some New Jersey medical student thought a stripper was so good, he gave her a hand. No, really. A hand.
A KNIFE IN A GUNFIGHT: OK, so some guy uses a machete to rob a gun shop, thereby becoming an early front-runner for the Stupid Criminal Award.
PRISON LOVE: At least 30 Texas death-row inmates have pages on dating Web sites, according to a recent Associated Press story, and these killers apparently describe themselves "in cuddly terms." According to the report: Convicted cop-killer Randy Halprin wrote, "I think I'm a pretty funny guy. I have a wacked (sic) sense of humor. I can be a big kid at heart. I'm a hopeless (and I mean hopeless) romatic (sic)." And the story says Calvin Bennett, 26, a suspect in two Arkansas murders, was traced by police to Rothschild, Wis., by the personal ad he had placed on a dating Web site, describing himself as shy and giving his ideal evening as "a nice romantic dinner with soft music, followed by a romantic walk or a carriage ride."
What, no barefoot walks on the beach at sunset?