Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Beaumont, Texas: Safe from dildoes

This foot-long was detained by Beaumont Police, but released after questioning ... with a stern warning

This week, Beaumont, Texas, was ranked among the unsafest American cities, coming in at No. 301 of 371 urban areas. The list by Morgan Quitno Press ranks cities from safest to most dangerous by using 2005 FBI figures on murder, rape, robbery, aggravated assault, burglary and motor vehicle theft. St. Louis ranked as most dangerous, while the safest U.S. city was Brick, N.J. According to the report, Beaumont is safer than cities such as Richmond, Va. (357), Reading, Pa. (351), Tacoma, Wash. (324), but still more dangerous than San Francisco (270), Seattle (262) and New York City (145). That's right: New York City is safer than Beaumont, Texas.

So of course, it makes sense that our cops -- having judged themselves to be superior at fighting violent crime -- would undertake the dangerous task of making Beaumont safe from ... dildoes. Delicate sensibilities must be preserved at any cost!

Yes, last week, our courageous police force raided three local shops that sell adult videos and sexual devices. They busted nine astonished clerks who were threatening the world order and the virtue of all womanhood by selling dirty movies and blobs of vibrating rubber shaped like a .... oh my god, a penis. (Here in the South we still whisper words like "penis," pregnant" and "cancer.")

In Texas, it's illegal to own more than five dildoes, and anyone who sells even one of them can do, um, hard time. Of course, this is the same state that gave us the Chicken Ranch, Anna Nicole Smith and a gubernatorial candidate named Kinky, so we're not exactly innocent, but one must keep up appearances, even if one is a state where creating something bigger than the next guy is a virtue. In Texas, you can walk down the street with a six-shooter strapped to your side, but a dildo is a deadly weapon. Dildoes don't kill people ... people kill dildoes (well, at least the batteries.)

Actually, it's kind of funny that a local cop was busted a few months ago for taking nude shots of his under-age girlfriend on his squad car. And everybody in town -- including the cops -- knows where the hideaway illegal gaming joints are. And the police chief is peeved because his city ranks as "unsafe" ... maybe he could improve his rating if his guys were solving real crimes instead of dildo-hunting.

Me, I'm just glad that all our murders, rapes, armed robberies here in Beaumont have been solved and all the killers, rapists and robbers have gotten a one-way trip to Huntsville. Soon, we'll round up all the dildo purveyors and send them off, too. Then we can start investigating all those perverts who have a naked girl on their mudflaps.

I feel so safe.

12 comments:

Chancelucky said...

Great post Ron, but why five dildoes? Is there some magic number that turns it into something much more depraved? What happens if you have like 5 and a 1/2 or 1/3 dildoes. It rounds down to five, so are you still legal?

Ron Franscell said...

Great point, Chance. What makes five dildoes reasonable but six unseemly? And who decides that five is enough?

I need more philosophy majors reading this blog ....

Love, Rita said...

Wow, this posting left me speechless. (A first, I'm quite sure.)

lilfeathers2000 said...

Wow didn't know about them texas laws.
Thats funny.

Democracy Lover said...

And I thought you had exported all the Texas crazies to Washington. I see you left a few down home.

badgrrrl said...

Thanks for this post. It reminded me I need new batteries.

gohuskers said...

You're too funny, Ron! You should be a writer or something.

I'm wondering what the cops are gonna do with all those dildos they confiscated? Whaddya bet they disappear from the evidence room within a week???

Anonymous said...

i just wonder how they train the dildo-sniffing dogs?

EarlBird said...

I'm not a philosophy major but I wonder if the Texas law should be changed to limit NOT the number of dildoes, but the total cumulative inches of dildoes that can be owned by a Texas woman (or man, if he's into that.)

For example, maybe the law could say that possessing more than 60 inches of fake cock is punishable by a $10,000 fine or five years in women's prison (where they have no penises.)

If a woman (or man) was legally allowed to have 60 inches of fake penises, that could be 12 5-inchers, or 6 10-inchers, or 2 really bad boys.

Having 61 inches of fake penis doesn't seem like a real threat to national security, but face it, who needs more than 60 inches of cock?

badgrrrl said...

OK I'm going to propose another one .... what if a Texas woman lived with six men who provided 'certain services' to her on a schedule that was more or less the same as she'd use any six mechanical dildoes? Is it also against Texas law to keep more than five LIVING "dildoes" or is such a harem OK down there? And why would fake ones be outlawed but live ones allowed?

Chancelucky said...

Ron,
you do realize that your search enginge returns are now going to look very strange?

You're going to get 300 Google searches a day for "best price for half a dozen dildoes in Panama"

Anonymous said...

Sounds like a good placefor all the crookied bankers CEOs and politicians to hideout.