Friday, October 06, 2006

12 Steps for Men and Laundry

Apparently, some sorely needed advice for men about laundry, from Colorado mom Stephanie Blake at Adventures of a Stay-at-Home Mom:

1. Collect all the laundry in the house. Do not just throw in your stinky gym clothes. Towels and sheets like to be washed once in a while. See that nasty washrag in the kitchen sink? Throw it in the garbage.

2. Sort the laundry into small piles. Whites and Darks and Towels should be washed seperately. Would you like to wear a pink tie dye shirt to work? Do not stuff the washer with clothes unless you want to buy me a new washing machine. 16 pairs of jeans in one load is too many. Also, 10 towels in with everything else is too much.

3. There is a measuring device. Use it. One cup of detergent is enough. Do not, I repeat do not touch the bleach bottle. It is off limits to you. Likewise with the other dangerous chemicals.

4. Just use the button that says Warm. Hot will make my clothes too small and you will hear me say I am fat every time I put my jeans on. Do you really want to hear me say I am fat, again? Also, I will have to go shopping if you shrink my clothes. You will have to come and hold my purse for 7 hours. I will probably say I am fat at least 22 times.

5. Don't forget to shut the lid on the washing machine.The cycle will not finish if the lid is not closed, and I will complain. Plus, one of our children will climb in. Do you want someone to drown?

6. When the washing machine starts scooting around by itself, you have packed it too full. If it starts shaking from side to side and smacking the wall, you are an idiot. If you pack the washer too tight, clothes will not get clean and later, they will not get dry. Did I mention you are an idiot?

7. Washing the clothes is only a part of what I call "Doing the Laundry." Clothes have to be dried as well. And later, they will need to be folded and yes, put away. It is time consuming. There is no laundry fairy. Why do you think I complain about it?

8. Put clothes into the dryer immediately after the washing machine stops moving. If you wait until the game is over or until tomorrow, I will complain. Also, there won't be any sheets for the bed tonight. Have you smelled the inside of a washing machine after clothes have gotten moldy in there? Not good.

9. 50 minutes should be long enough to dry a load, unless you are an idiot (see #6). 60 minutes for towels. I do not like burn marks on my white shirts. You do not want burn marks on your fancy golf shorts.

10. Clothes like to be folded while they are hot. If they get cold, they will get wrinkled from sitting in the bottom of the dryer, then you will have to iron them or take them to the cleaners. I do not iron. It is your choice.

11. The hamper is not our dresser. A dresser is for clean clothes. A hamper is for dirty clothes.We do not wear clothes from a hamper, even if they look clean. When the hamper overflows, do a load.

12. If you "do the laundry," you do not get a medal. You do not get a chest to pin it on. You get clean clothes. I won't complain. We all win.


That Cleaning Lady said...

Intelligent directions...should be printed and posted on every washing machine and of course thanks to the Stay-at-Home Mom for sharing!
After hubby burns out the washing machine, she might consider one of those front-loading behemoths that you CAN wash 10 towels and 16 pairs of jeans in a load--in. =-)

SingingSkies said...

I subscribe to the Alternate Generation Theory of laundry methodology. This theory posits that each succeeding generation performs the laundry task in a manner diametrically opposed to the generation preceeding it. This theory was posited in the pre-doctoral research of one Briggs-Johnston and is widely disputed due to the fatally-flawed statistical sample of three generations of only one family.

During the research, it was observed that the initial sample generation performed the laundry task in a manner exactly like that which Ms. Blake prefers. The second-generation sample, a female, was observed to perform the task in a manner similar to that of the men cited in Blake's commentary. Upon observation of the third-generation sample, it was noted that said sample, a male, had reverted to the manner of the first-generation sample, even to the extent of occasionally washing a load of clothes consisting of only 2-3 items because they had similar laundry tags and actually ironing said clothing before wearing it.

I am of the firm belief that those who operate using Blake's methodology will under no circumstances ever understand those who perform the task according to the second method. And, yes, sooner or later, if left to their own devices, those who use the second method will end up with clean clothing without the intervention of those who choose to do laundry according to a different rubric.

Love, Rita said...

I especially liked the last point about NOT getting a medal for "doing" the laundry, especially if only partially "done" as in point #7.

To Singing Skies: What an interesting theory on laundry methodology. I am part of the second generation, I guess I work two jobs and live with my in-laws (long story). I have to do my laundry when I have the time, energy, and when the washer/dryer is empty--and not necessarily in that order. I even been known to (GASP!) throw EVERYTHING in together, even a towel or two if there are no red clothes or "new" towels. I'm sure my mother-in-law cringes anytime she does me a favor and "switches them over" for me, but she's too kind to comment....

lilfeathers2000 said...

Thanks. I detect an irate mom/wife lol

John said...

More steps for men:

1. It's ok to mix colors if you go cold-cold and never allow cottony reds in the house.

2. Use as much bleach as you want but only for football pants and using hot water. Remember to reset the water to cold and the depth to giant after the football pants.

3. Even for non-idiots the washer may bounce off the wall with only a single pair of football pants inside.

4. If you're gonna fill up the washer, then make sure no socks are near the top, cuz they'll uverflow and get stuck behind the drum.

5. No matter how big the load, if you set the dryer to More Dry, everything dries eventually.

6. If you don't mind wrinkles, then not hurry to unload the dryer.


Irate Working Mom said...

Thanks for a great read!
Just read this after emptying a load of wet laundry left to rot and re-sorting laundry piles left by husband (cursing entire time).
Will be printing and leaving for husband to read on morning railroad commute.
Guess maybe I should just be grateful husband has started laundry and separated at all. However, what fun would that be?

Anonymous said...

omg this is getting too complicated I'm going to play google "space invaders" the laundry can wait another week

Anonymous said...

As a working man, I came here hoping to improve my laundry skills.

Thank you for the information. I'm sorry you felt the need to belittle men while providing instruction.